How dare you

A friend shared the following post on Facebook, pointing out how unnecessarily judgmental and dumb the author was:

Saying Your Dog Is Your “Baby” Is an Insult to Moms Everywhere

Most of the comments do the same.

While I agree that it’s dumb, unnecessarily judgmental, hurtful to many, and seriously just stupid I think it’s also too sad to really bother with. But here I will proceed to bother with it anyway.

Some people feel so self-conscious, so small, so uncertain of their decisions and so afraid that they’ve made the wrong ones that the only way they can find solace is to put down the choices and lives of others.

If you look at any argument structured, “How dare you X! Y is the only right way,” in most cases I’d wager that the arguer is really thinking to themselves, “I did Y! But some people X. X is different than Y. Is X better than Y? Should I have X’ed instead? It’s kind of too late to X now, so… No. No, X is definitely not better. Y is better. Y is the way to go. Yep, I made the right decision in Y’ing. Y forever!!! I should let all X’ers know that they fucked up and rally all the Y’s to me so we can commiserate on how great we all are. À moi, les Y’s!!”*

(*Note that if you are saying this full sentence in your head in French, “Y” is pronounced “ee-grek.” How ridiculous is that? It’s like a whole new two-syllable word for one letter. Languages are fun.)

In the above article, X = think of and love your pets as children, literally or figuratively and Y = loving and putting value in having human children.

Sometimes the first half of the argument sounds more like, “I can’t believe some people X!” or “My God, why would you ever X?!” or “My God says you’ll burn in hell for X.”

Common arguments include:

• X = have no children, Y = have children
• X = change your last name after marriage, Y = keep your maiden name after marriage
• X = be a stay-at-home parent, Y = be a working parent
• X = marry young, Y = marry less young
• X = love someone of the same sex, Y = love someone of the opposite sex
• X = purchase a pet from a breeder, Y = adopt a pet from a shelter
• X =  wear that outfit in public, Y = wear my outfit in public
• X = see The Dress as black and blue, Y = see The Dress as white and gold
• X = put mayonnaise on your hot dog, Y = put ketchup and/or mustard on your hot dog

In any of these arguments, is any one side objectively right? No. Of course not. If there were a clear right and wrong, everyone would make the same choice.

Is any one side morally right? Nope. And yep. I bet most arguers think they are morally right. I bet you think your moral compass is absolute. I sure do. But morals are tricky, and shifty, and often deeply ingrained and based on no solid footing.

Is any one side scientifically right? Still no. Not these particular arguments. Even if one side was scientifically proven as more likely to end in success, please see previous paragraph.

When I moved to California, I noticed that people are, in general, much less judgmental. The Bay Area in particular is known for it’s Come-as-You-Are, Free-to-Be-You-and-Me, Pay-No-Attention-to-That-Couple-Dressed-as-Iridescent-Unicorns attitude. You do you, unicorns.

So, do I still judge people? Fuck yes. But just less, now. And I try to stop myself consciously if I can. And I realize that my judging others is less a reflection of them, and more of me. When I think to myself, “How dare she wear that slutty cat costume, has anyone in this family EVER EVEN SEEN A CAT? Wearing a thoughtful, carefully-crafted, clever, time-consuming costume is the only right way.” — I’m really saying “I am not confident enough in my body to wear something like that, and she looks happy while I am nervous.”

Which is a bummer. For me. So I try to focus more on things I like, and if I feel that snap judgment coming on I try to stop it and find its dirty, hairy root in me. And work on that instead, if I can. Or just ignore it altogether.

Seriously though, don’t put mayonnaise on you hot dog. That’s nasty. I stand by that one.