I was this close.

I touched it.

His hand, that is.

I know it’s incongruous to start out a post about an As You Wish book-signing event with a Robin Hood: Men in Tights quote, but I fear the ending of this post is kind of unforgivable so I hope this balances it out.

Though very pleasant, the event was not quite as surreal as I had imagined. For some reason, I thought maybe not that many people would be there. I mean, I had to do some serious digging to find out about the event and how many people are actively looking for this kind of thing of a Tuesday evening?

Turns out, a lot. And although this meant that I had to stand for the hour duration behind some blond frizzy-haired lady who, although no one was in front of her, insisted on tilting her head in just exactly the position I needed to tilt my head to see around her, all in all the crowd alleviated some anxiety. Because, as I logically reasoned, if attendance was low then it would be up to me, and me alone to carry the conversation. To ask the good questions and make him feel loved but not scared. Only a little scared.

Why does the frizzy blond hair Instagram filter even exist?

But wouldn’t you know they had hired a lady to lead the conversation. She used one of my prepared questions, and even stole my life a little as a lead in when she said, “When I’m not interviewing my middle school crush…”

It may be hard to explain to more extroverted or less neurotic people, but there can be a tremendous amount of internal pressure and knee-buckling anxiety experienced prior to an event that one’s internal calendar has flagged “IMPORTANT.” Followed too many times by crushing guilt and shame when the event has passed without your doing the one thing you told yourself you had to do. Walking by your crush without saying a word. Going to a Networking Event and speaking to no one of importance. Approaching the door inside which some Thing is going on and, instead of opening it and joining the crowd, running to the nearest ice cream cooler/bar/dark safe corner/your house. Better yet making an ice cream-based alcoholic beverage and enjoying it in your bed in the dark. I recommend this one.

So while I was terrified I might let the opportunity to talk to Mr. Elwes slip by, like that time Penn & Teller were meeting people after their show and I got freaked out by how seriously-that-guy-is-too-tall Penn was, the crowd helped again. With this many people also wanting to bend his ear, not only would I not have to come up with multiple incredible questions, but I probably wouldn’t have the chance to ask a single one. Or tell him a cute anecdote in line, or ask for a photo. No way.

And then, just like that, he appeared. He walked in the room, just like you’d imagine a human person would. He was human person height, with human person hair (really great human person hair), and he had that certain corporeal quality that human people tend to have.

Thanks to my partner in crime J for helping me get some non-frizzy-blond pics

He was real, and he was lovely.

And while at first I may have been holding back a high-pitched unending

Simple dog from Hyperbole and a Half

I did not, to my own surprise

I kept my cool. Again, easier to hide your crazy in a crowd, and this crowd was special. San Francisco through and through. Lots of nerds. Lots of hipsters. Lots of older folk. One particularly excitable middle-aged lady in peach seemed about to jump off her seat at any minute and leap into Cary’s mouth. One quite old dude was having the funniest fucking time ever and was probably super duper high. I definitely looked calm, together, youngish but mature in comparison to this bunch of weirdos.

Thanks weirdos.

I waited in the autograph line behind some LARPers and thought about what to say when it was my turn. People were getting shooed away when they tried to take a sneaky pic or asked him to sign more than one thing, and to be honest Mr. Elwes looked kind of stressed by the onslaught.

I thought about asking if he would add his signature flourish tell from Kiss the Girls, but he was a machine in order to get through the hundreds of books that were sliding through his hands.

In the end, I kept my DVD in my bag, made sure my book was open to the correct page and that the sticky note with my name was legible, and walked up to the table. He asked me my name, we made eye contact, shook hands, and as he signed my book I said,

“You were my middle school crush too.”

He murmured, “Aww, aren’t you sweet,” handed the book to me, I said thanks and we both carried on with our lives.

Because in the end, true love is not about being whisked away into some fantasy world. It’s not about proving how much you love the other, or how much love you can get in return. I think it’s about doing what you can to make the other person’s day a little better, each day you have the opportunity, and on this day I’d like to think that happened.

And if your day could be made better by a smile, a handshake, a quick note saying that you matter to me, and by not asking too much of you in a world full of one-sided demands, then I’m happy to say,

As you wish.