There’s a lot of crap on TV. I mean, like, A LOT. Most of TV is a steamy pile of freshly dumped waste-of-time. And I’ll agree that almost all reality TV is terrible, and most cable stations are not producing anything of quality, but I’ll go ahead and stick my neck out to say that the real culprit here is the broadcast model and the savior is precious, delicious spectrum.
You know the broadcast model, right? The one where a broadcasting channel (your ABCs, CBSs, etc) gives you something to do for free (like watch The Big Bang Theory or Monday Night Football), and then they charge advertisers for your eyeballs (gross). And the more eyeballs they can get to hang out with their channel for extended periods of time, the more advertisers will pay them. …profit.
This means that they’ve got to provide programs that will attract as many people as possible, despite the lovely diverse patchwork, and sometimes clashtastic, quilt that is the American people. Or the French people. Or even, I guess, the Canadian people. Whatever people you’re trying to reach, it’s bound to be diverse–so how do we get everyone to tune in? We find the most basic (often the basest) thing they have in common and go with it: they’re a family that has issues. They’re middle class. They like mysteries and a sense of justice. They like to dream about winning something (with or without any particular talents).
Nielson top 10 ratings for broadcast, via Nielsen.com
Nielsen top 10 ratings for cable, via Nielsen.com
So we get sitcoms about middle class families in various mundane situations. Maybe families who are a little more diverse or educated than they used to be. Or ‘families’ of quirky friends we all wish we were a part of. We get competitions that require no real talent, and ones that do require talent–but the best parts are obviously when we get to make fun of those who don’t have talent. Like we don’t. We get the lowest common denominator TV.
But cable channels are different: they get paid by cable providers (Comcast, Uverse), in addition to advertisers. So they’re able to have a smaller target audience that is a little more homogenous, as long as that audience is one that some advertisers, somewhere, are interested in. And interested in paying a premium for. And now you have channels full of programming just for science nerds, and people who are into the paranormal, people who would watch stand-up comedy specials, music lovers, heck, even people who want to watch college sports–but only like, 11 or 12 specific colleges (I’m looking at you, Big Ten Network. Also, thank you.).
Most movies you can see in theaters are pretty crap too. And probably most things you can find in a bookstore.
And ABSOLUTELY most things on the Internet are crap. A lot of it is totally illegible, and if you try to use it to fertilize your crops or something–GUESS WHAT? Come fall, you’re looking at a sticky, disgusting harvest of pictures of peoples’ meals, sad attempts at soapbox journalism and DEAR GOD the bales and bales of YouTube comments calling you a damn Nazi, sooner or later.
But as it became cheaper to produce and distribute content (and therefore less people need to buy into it in order to make a profit for the creators)–as it becomes less and less necessary to pander to the widest audience–good content has been allowed to thrive in the niches that want it. As popular as it is, a very expensive period drama about exorbitantly handsome men and women in the 60s would probably not have survived on the broadcast model. OH WAIT it didn’t.
A show about four middle-aged female friends who talk about, and often show, sex a lot wouldn’t cut it on a channel that was trying to get everyone to tune it. OH WAIT when syndicated on broadcast and even most cable channels they cut all the naughty bits out (ouch!), don’t they.
A quirky, smart serial comedy with lots of inside jokes that’s chock-full of some amazing weirdos would maybe get a few seasons on a broadcast network, but would likely not bring in enough regular weirdo viewers to keep it on air. OH WAIT that happened, and finally it’s coming back on another network! NO WAIT it’s coming back on 21st century Blockbuster. And the Internet shat itself with joy at the news.
And that delicious, delicious darling of a turn-of-the-century soap opera…well it probably would still be on PBS, as it’s always been. Support PBS.
I guess my point is…I find myself gravitating more and more towards shows that appear outside of the broadcasters. And the few shows I do like get canceled before I’m ready (I’m looking at you, 30 Rock and Parks & Rec, and I was looking at you, The Sing Off, but you’re coming back to us). It seems like the few I give a chance continually disappoint me by treating their audiences like idiots (now I’m giving you my evil stare, Smash).
And I just. can’t. stand. being treated like an idiot. WHERE DID THAT GOSPEL CHOIR COME FROM?? There are only three people on stage. Oh Ellis meddled in this dumb plot about mobster money and you’re not bothering to even show him this season? WHO CARES ANYMORE. OMG that little twig is caught in a lust triangle with Commodore Norrington and the new, straight Jonathon Larson? HE’S A FREAKING COMMODORE, HAVE YOU SEEN HIS AMAZING WIGS? And I know that not every “musical” can record the songs “live” à la Les Mis, but butterface McPhee, you have to make a goddamn expression with your face once in awhile. I’M BEGGING YOU. It’s starting to rub off on the other actors. I mean look at these guys belting out this emotional song at the top of their voices with nary a straining neck tendon. STRAIN THOSE TENDONS, KIDS. It’ll make it look like you’re maybe actually singing and not like you’re timidly mouthing the words to grocery store Musak so no one will hear you and think you’re a nutjob.
Just produce Hit List in one grand finale and cancel the damn thing.
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