Right now I’m working part-time, which has it ups and downs, but one of the benefits is that I can get errands done during weekdays. Like grocery shopping, which I tend to do in the middle of the week when there are less crowds. And showering, which I tend to do in the middle of the day because honestly? Who’s going to call me on it.
A few weeks ago I actually did get myself showered and dressed early so I could make an early-morning trip to our nearby Safeway and it was another interesting lesson in things I say out loud and things I keep to myself.
As I walked into the store, I passed a friendly delivery-truck man.
FRIENDLY DELIVERY TRUCK MAN: How you doing?
OUT LOUD: Hi.
FRIENDLY DELIVERY TRUCK MAN: (as I’ve pretty much fully passed him) How you doing?
IN MY HEAD:
OUT LOUD: Hi.
So this sets the scene for a pretty great grocery trip. I treat myself to a Cinnamon Dolce Latte from the nested Starbucks, you know, so I can feel even more like a yuppie (this Safeway is unreasonably huge and thinks a little too highly of itself, à la the East side Kroger for you B-towners). Next up, around the bakery the muzak system hits me with some Sara Bareilles and, in my head, I’m all:
This my jaaaams.
I happily go about my shopping, now mouthing along and singing a bit, and my mood is so elevated that I make some good/bad purchase decisions like this:
This is not jams. But it is shelved there, if you’re looking.
And then around yogurt I hear the incomparable Mr. Phillip Collins, reaching ever so softly into my soul with One More Night. Which made me say in my head:
THIS my jams!
and reminded me of that time some of my work friends were really crazy about Phil Collins and we decided to get a cake for his birthday with his face on it and then my company had a round of layoffs that morning and it was really depressing but we still had a Phil Collins cake at least.
It’s a pretty stellar grocery trip so far, obviously, but when I get to the coffee aisle I’m absolutely blown away by the next song that comes on. It is SO AMAZING it almost knocks me over, breaks right through my filters and causes me to say, right out loud:
MY JAAAAAAAAAAAMS!!!
And then I decided we should bring this song back as the new Rick Rolling. We could call it Bolton Bowling. It totally has the same immediate “EW!” followed by “Allllright” reaction for me as Rick Astley does. Who’s game?
Finally I make it to the cash register, with hardly any more outbursts after I finished singing along with that sexy Samson of soft rock up there. A few people are already in line, and the lady right in front of me is messing about with a produce baggie, apparently unable to open it.
LADY AHEAD OF ME: Is there a trick to this?
IN MY HEAD: Really? Really? How old are you, 45? How have you come this far without understanding produce bags?
OUT LOUD: Oh, sometimes if you lick your fingers it helps.
IN MY HEAD: That’s kind of a weird sentence to say to a stranger.
IN LADY’S HEAD: That’s a weird sentence to hear from a stranger, it surely won’t—OH MY GOD, WHAT IS THIS MAGIC?
IN MY HEAD: It’s called friction, lady.
Another lady comes up behind me, and we three give eachother the HeyHow’sItGoinFellowShopper nod. Shortly thereafter,
LADY BEHIND ME: Seriously? There’s like two people working. This is going to take forever.
IN MY HEAD: Seriously? There’s like five people shopping.
LADY IN FRONT OF ME: I know, I hate coming here, it’s always like this.
IN MY HEAD: I’m in a lady sandwich!
LADY BEHIND ME: Yeah, you know I called the Safeway management about it and they said it shouldn’t be like this. They gave me a gift card and apologized, but nothing’s changed.
ME, OUT LOUD: Mmmm.
LADY IN FRONT OF ME: Well sometimes I ask if they can get more people…(to cashier) Can you get anyone else on the lanes?
CASHIER: There’s just one other person, Tony, but he had an emergency.
IN MY HEAD: What kind of emergency? A family emergency? A medical emergency? A grocery emergency? Were the plantains trying to intermingle with the bananas??
LADY IN FRONT OF ME: Oh, well.
IN MY HEAD: Get out of there you plantains! YOU’RE NOT BANANAS!
LADY BEHIND ME: This is just ridiculous.
IN MY HEAD: This is just BANANAS. No plantains allowed.
LADY BEHIND ME: If there were any other stores nearby I would never come here. We’re going to be here forever.
IN MY HEAD: Oh, and do we have somewhere to be, ladies who shop at 10am of a Tuesday? Gonna be late to pick up the kids in 5 hours? Gotta run off to your smoothie date with other ladies of leisure? Guess what, now you’ll have something to talk about.
WHAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID: Well, they probably don’t staff up at this hour because there aren’t too many of us, but it’s nice to shop when it’s not so crowded, isn’t it?
WHAT I DID SAID: Mmmm.
LADY BEHIND ME: Thank God, another lane.
IN LADY’S HEAD: Peace, bitches.
IN MY HEAD: I think I was actually in a bitch sandwich.
CASHIER: (As I finally, finally, reach the cash register forever later (or maybe, like, 15 minutes after getting in line)) How’re you today?
ME, OUT LOUD: HOW’RE TONY’S BANANAS??
And the moral of the story:
…
On an unrelated note, THIS LINK is really worth clicking on and sharing.
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