Last-minute costume ideas

So Halloween is next week. Eek. Some years I’m all, “Hey, it’s August. HALLOWEEN IS ALMOST HEEEEERE!1!!” (You may have noticed.) And some years I have other shit to do. And then I’m like, “Crap.” Because it’s nearly physically impossible for me to sit around all day on October 31st in normal human clothes.

So, I thought I’d suggest a few last-minute, half-assed costume ideas if you, too, find yourself sans costume at this late date.

On a general note, take a look at your closet and see if there are any pieces that, on their own, have any connotations that could lend themselves to a costume. Like gingham shirt = cowboy, corduroy blazer with elbow patches = professor, etc. That should give you a starting point, and depending on how much time you have and how much you care, a quick trip to a thrift store, K-mart, or that Halloween store that pops up where Borders used to be can really sell the look. I’ve developed a highly-sophisticated way of noting different levels of commitment to each costume, outlined here:

Key:

Vaguely identifiable as a costume. No items required outside of your (or a friend’s) closet. People at the party will constantly ask you, “And what are you supposed to be?”

You are definitely probably wearing a costume. You will likely have to buy a prop or two. Some people will be able to guess who you are, and those who ask should respond with, “Oh yes, that’s what I was going to guess.” (Sidenote: if you were going to guess that, why didn’t you? Because you’re a liar. That’s why. Check your pants.)

That is totally a costume you are wearing, my friend. A bit more attention to detail will put you right over that hump. The only people asking you what your costume is supposed to be are the committed drunks. Or the Halloween bitches. Like this guy.

 1. Cowboy

Gingham shirt tucked into jeans with your biggest belt buckle, and boots or pointy shoes.

Gingham shirt, jeans, belt, boots or pointy shoes, plus cowboy hat (I mean, really).

Gingham shirt, jeans, belt, boots or pointy shoes, cowboy hat, plus bandana and some guns or a nice shiny sheriff’s badge.

2. Lumberjack

Plaid shirt (red is best), khakis or jeans tucked into manly work boots.

All the above, plus an axe (Fake is acceptable. Preferable, actually.).

All the above plus suspenders, a trapper hat or wooly beanie and/or a wooly beard. Or a nice two-in-one.

3. Arthur Dent

Bathrobe and a towel. Carry the towel around, don’t, like, wear it. Ok if you know who Arthur Dent is I don’t have to tell you what to do with the towel. (What did I just say, Mos Def?)

The above plus, I dunno, a robot? A book wrapped in a cover that says Don’t Panic? A pint of beer? You really can’t do a whole lot with this one. Except feel superior to people who don’t get it.

4. Witch

This one might be just for the ladies. But far be it for me to judge.

Little black dress (the longer and flowyier the better–this would be amazing, as would this sleevey one), some tights and scary-looking boots (like these. Yeah, I have them in burgundy. Bitches).

Ok, like, buy yourself a witches hat. Otherwise it’s pretty pathetic.

A broom! A cloak! Some fun jewelry if you’ve got it (chains, crosses, animals, big rings, you know, the more the better).

And now, for some SUPER DUPER LAZY outfits:

Madmen-era person. Ladies, this means a pencil skirt, high heels and a tight sweater. Throw in a brooch or a peter pan collar and you’re golden. Dudes–suit up, get your skinniest tie, and carry around a tumbler of whiskey. Oh, and ask every lady if they’d like to step into your office to see your creative genius, sweetheart.

50’s era person. Ladies, get your fullest skirt, a simple white top and a cardigan. Ponytail it up and wear some white socks with your heels. Mens, find a leather or letter jacket, white tee and jeans. Extra points for carrying cigarettes in your rolled-up shirt sleeve and constantly combing your greasy hair that isn’t going anywhere, chief.

Audrey Hepburn from Funny Face. Black skinny cropped pants, a black turtle neck, black loafers/flats and a ponytail. I must stress this will work for either girls or boys.

Blues Brothers. Black suit, skinniest tie ever, white socks, black fedora and Ray-Bans.

And my final tip: work with what you got. Naturally. I mean, if you have any distinct features, use that as part of your costume. Red hair plus a black suit and a flashlight = Scully from the X-files (no, it’s NOT cheating to print out a badge to further clarify). Bald and muscley plus a white t-shirt and khakis = Mr. Clean! This really happened, and we really kept the Febreeze he brought as a prop until the next year, when he brought another bottle and asked for the first one back. And we said no.