“Introvert” is one of the most misunderstood words in our vocabulary. You could have knocked me over with a feather boa when, a month ago, one of my coworkers responded, “You’re not introverted!” as I used the term to describe myself. This was followed a week or so later by another coworker describing a discussion he had about me, where he claimed I was not shy and was actually quite communicative.
You see I’ve been shy all my life. Plenty of friends, I’ve just never been outgoing enough to be popular or widely noticed. I’m always surprised when people remember me from a class. It’s startling, this new image of me not as a shy little mouse, but as more of a standoffish cat who will allow you the pleasure of having your lap occupied by it it once you’ve passed inspection. And while it certainly is a function of my growing up, I think it’s more a result of my understanding of this label: introvert.
It has a vaguely negative connotation, for some reason that I can’t understand. People who are not introverted treat the word as an insult (“You’re not an introvert!” my coworker immediately exclaimed, as if coming to my defense), and people who are treat it as a chronic condition that has to be coped with all your life. No matter what anyone claims, you cannot change your vertedness from intro- to extra-. You simply get a better grasp of it.
Introverted does not mean you don’t like people. It doesn’t mean you’d rather be by yourself than with others. It doesn’t mean you don’t want to participate in class, that you don’t want to be noticed or the center of attention. It’s a description of energy — it is more natural for you to focus your energy internally, or on just one person, than to project it out to everyone around you.
For me, it takes a lot of energy to meet new people, to be in a large group, or to express myself in structured group settings. I can do it, it’s just exhausting. For a long time, I couldn’t see the benefit — why should I use up my precious energy on people I don’t even know and don’t care about? My job at an ad agency has forced me to talk to every single person in the company, to speak constantly to clients, to meet new vendors and travel to new situations. To voice my opinion in meetings. To communicate with people from different age groups and from different backgrounds. While my years here have been valuable experience to my professional development, the way they’ve forced me to grow personally is priceless.
So how did I possibly come so far, with such grace and beauty and confidence, as an introverted individual? Here are my tips on how to work through one’s introversion:
- Acceptance. Repeat after me (to yourself, in your head, obviously): I am an introvert, and I am still a contributing member of society.
- Don’t fight it. You are an introvert (weren’t you listening to yourself just now?). You always will be. Don’t try and force yourself to be outgoing, because you know what’s going to happen? You do know. You won’t succeed. You’ll sit there and not say anything and then you’ll feel bad and be mad at yourself for being you.
- Find a benefit to exerting yourself. The only way you’ll participate is if you can identify how it will help you. You’ll get the answer to a problem. You’ll hear a really good story about someone’s life. (You’ll get to tell it later.) You’ll open doors of opportunity for yourself. You’ll start a relationship with someone who could be you future best friend, your future employer, your future husband, your future babysitter. Who knows?
- Recharge. Probably the most important one for me. When I say that it’s exhausting to talk to new people, I mean it literally drains me. I’m emotionally tired, my tongue is tired, my brain is tired, my cheeks are tired, my energy is depleted. I have to restore my energy by resting in a quiet area, by myself, not having to talk to anyone. Why, right now I’m sitting in the quiet hallway of the basement of the library, outside some administrative offices. I was going to go to the cafeteria, or upstairs to a study area. But there would be too many people around dividing my attention. Even if they were being (mostly) quiet. What with all the shushing librarians. Plus there are the ghosts. There really must be ghosts in this building, it’s too spooky not to be haunted. Gee, I hope they don’t like the basement…
So there it is. If you’re introverted, I hope you can commiserate and maybe this was helpful for you. If you’re extroverted, I hope this sheds some light on the introverts around you. We live among you, sometimes out in the open, sometimes hidden behind tiring smiles. Do not be afraid of us. Give us a hug.
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