Use your words

I’m not a grammar or spelling Nazi, because even though I’d like to think so I’m not an expert at either. I will never feel confident in my use of effect versus affect, and, like Euchre, no matter how many times it’s explained to me it simply will not stick and I’ll feel weird about it every time.

Therefore when people make grammatical or spelling mistakes, I’m usually like, “Maybe it was an Autocorrect error. That happens.” Or, “They were just trying to get their feelings and thoughts out in the moment. Didn’t want to interrupt the flow by stopping to ask if they correctly used the apostrophe in that ‘it’s.’ How very cinema verité of them.”

However, I do really like words. I like how many there are. And how they mean certain things. I even like how when you put certain words together people understand them to mean new things. Specific things. So when people can’t be bothered to use the very basis of the English language correctly (well, I guess letters are the most basisest, but you know), it gets under my skin. And even worse? When enough people use them incorrectly that generations are brought up thinking a phrase goes one way when IT MOST CERTAINLY DOES NOT.

For starters, true grammar Nazis should obviously visit The Oatmeal’s section of grammatical comics/posters. They will make you feel happy and you’ll be all, “I’m literally going to buy these and hang them up in my cubical.” And then you will literally click the ‘add to cart’ button, enter your payment and shipping information and receive those posters in a number of days or weeks.

For the purposes of my rant, I’ll choose this one as my fave:

You should also read this cute and funny post by Allie Brosch of Hyperbole and a Half about the alot:

And wouldn’t you know the latest edition of Mental Floss is just a Niagara Falls waterfall of grammar and spelling knowledge bombs.

http://youtu.be/hRMRCeQBAKI

But now let me add a few phrases and misused words I see alot (Hey! I see alot. Alot see me too.) that really get my goat:

All of the sudden

When people say things like, “All of the sudden there was a loud bang!” or “I was walking along, enjoying the sunshine when all of the sudden I shat myself!” it makes me shudder. I’m not going to try to draw some cute cartoon to illustrate this, because I’m well out of practice, but it makes me think people are telling these stories to some indigenous tribe named The Sudden.

“Listen here, all of The Sudden–a tiny squirrel jumped off the roof right into my coffee cup! Wait, this isn’t all of The Sudden, where’s Bartholomew?”

Once and a while

“All of the sudden” sounds ridiculous, but when you come down to it “all of a sudden” doesn’t technically make a lot of sense either. But “once and a while”? Really? What does that even mean? It just doesn’t make sense.

A list of other things that don’t make any sense:

These…previously noted with other baffling fashion choices

This…guinea lion? Awesome, but, it doesn’t make sense.

The cancellation of this show. Do not understand.

These people. Stubbornly refusing to follow logic for over 20 years!

Me, after 3-4 drinks. “Woman, I just married you, but I have no idea what you’re saying.”

(Oh hey, there’s Adventures in Aubreyland in the background!)

The fact that I’m still woefully underemployed. I mean, who wouldn’t want to hire that guy?

This. WHO WOULD WEAR THIS?

This ice tsunami in Winnipeg. Ice. Tsunami. ICE TSUNAMI!!

Weary and wary

Perhaps most of all, this one really chafes my willy. “I’ve been burned by her before, so I’m just weary of letting her hold the glue gun during craft time.” Oh are you. You’re weary of letting her hold the glue gun? Are you holding her arm up while she holds the gun and now it’s making your arm physically tired? Are you emotionally exhausted of her? Or are you, maybe, a little hesitant to let her have the gun due to past experiences–are you wary?

This cat is likely weary of puppies

This cat seems wary of whatever’s going on here.

I have heard so, SO MANY people, intelligent people, people I call my friends, misuse weary this way. In fact I’ve rarely heard anyone use wary when that’s what they mean. It makes me think that maybe no one even knows about its existence. And I’ve seen people type it out too, so I can’t just chalk it up to weird accents. Where ‘a’ sounds come out as ‘ea’s, eand when your treactor tips over you get ean eassload of eapples eeeeeeaaaaall over yer fearm.

Interestingly there’s a website that will help you decide which phrase or words are correct by polling the Internet (and luckily it says that 90% of Internetters use “all of a sudden” while only 7% use “the”), but honestly I’m weary of people relying so much on majority Internet rule.

Like, it makes me wanna abandon humanity and just go take a nap.