One way to tell whether we’re friends or not (or whether I’m drunk or not) is how well my filter is working. You know, the filter between what I’m thinking and what I’m saying. When I start saying ridiculous, inappropriate or so-weird-it-borders-on-incomprehensible things around you, then you know you’ve made it to my inner circle. I trust you enough to let my filter down. Congratulations.
That, or I’m at level 1 drunkenness. Which, according to Fiancé, is making fun of you and everyone around me. Level 2 is singing along to pop hits, level 3 is dancing to bad hip hop, and the illusive level 4 is apparently a belief that I can do yoga and/or gymnastics. At which point you should clear the room, because–believe you me–I cannot.
A recent example of the difference between what I’m thinking and saying occurred at my hair salon. My stylist and I were making the usual idle conversation, and when pleasantries turned to a topic about which I am passionate, I had to weigh my options…I decided it would be best to keep my thoughts to myself for the sake of my hair. Maybe this was a compromise of integrity but I just was not willing to risk disagreeing with the woman holding scissors around my head.
ME: Did you have a nice New Year’s?
STYLIST: Yes! I took a trip.
ME: Oh nice! Where’d you go?
STYLIST: Paris.
MY BRAIN: OHMYGODPARISYOULUCKYBITCHMYFAVEOHWOWARGHHHH
MY FACE: Oh! That’s great! I was just there this past July. Did you love it?
STYLIST: Ah, it was ok.
MY BRAIN: A-whaaaa?
STYLIST: I think I was there for too long, it would have been better if we just stayed for a few days and then went somewhere else.
MY BRAIN: Buh? Maybe after the third or fourth visit…
MY FACE: Hmm, have you been there before?
STYLIST: No, this was my first time.
MY BRAIN: Heretic!
STYLIST: Yeah, I felt like there just wasn’t that much to do.
MY BRAIN: I feel like you’re an idiot.
STYLIST: Like, I can usually find the hip places when I go to a new city, but there just wasn’t that much there.
MY BRAIN: Except for art, and history, and some of the most famous sites in the world.
MY FACE: (Simulating agreement) Mmm…
STYLIST: I mean, there were some hip people at the bars we went to, but they just kind of sat around and drank and weren’t very…I dunno, energetic.
MY BRAIN: You’re upset because people were sitting and drinking at a bar?
MY FACE: Yeah, they have a very laid-back culture, where they can just spend hours drinking or eating lunch hehe.
MY BRAIN: Which is awesome.
STYLIST: By the end I felt like if I saw one more baguette I’d scream.
MY BRAIN: SHUT YOUR FACE! Shut your stupid blasphemous face!!1!!
MY FACE: (stays shut to set a good example)
STYLIST: You know we walked around a bit, but all the buildings really look the same.
MY BRAIN: Maybe to a blind person. Or a pigeon. What kind of moron are you??? WHY HAVE I ENTRUSTED YOU WITH THIS TASK?!
MY FACE: I guess so…I studied abroad over there so we didn’t spend too much time in Paris this trip…
MY BRAIN: Because I am so very well traveled and incredible to behold.
MY FACE: …and we took some day trips while we were there.
MY BRAIN: Because I am a wizard at trip-planning and I know how to do it right.
STYLIST: I think that would have been the way to go. Where did you stay?
MY FACE: Between the 9th and the 10th, in a townhouse. You?
STYLIST: We were in the Latin Quarter.
MY BRAIN: That’s where ALL of the things are. How did you miss them?
STYLIST: And it was just so one-culture…
MY BRAIN: The BEST culture.
STYLIST: …I was really surprised by the lack of diversity.
MY BRAIN: Welcome to anywhere outside of the U.S. I guess you didn’t accidentally get off the metro in Pigalle…
MY FACE: I guess Paris might not be that interesting if you haven’t studied French and France for years in school…
MY BRAIN: Like a pro.
MY FACE: …you know, if you don’t have a connection to it.
MY BRAIN: And have no interest in history or art or fashion or architecture or food or wine or Nutella or all things that are good.
STYLIST: Mmm. You’re done!
MY FACE: Thanks! Looks great!
MY BRAIN: How can you live with yourself? I’m surprised you have the brain function to get dressed in the morning, much less operate scissors. Neanderthal.
And that’s pretty much how it goes.
Well done. You had me laughting. I have a friend that is in
France every month that tends to coplain about her trips. I
understand her plight but I would love to go there. In my job,
travel is me going up to Indy to replace a bad hard drive.
aaaannd I’m cracking up at my desk.
I think you need to find a new stylist. She sucks.
I clicked a link and found myself back here. I read the post again and then noticed my comment. Wow. laughting and coplain? Apparently my ability to spell takes a major nose dive at around 1:55 am.
Haha. I just imagined that you were so consumed with laughter you couldn’t even see the keys.